This Road is a Bloody Trail

I just witnessed a car accident.

Today, 30th Jan 2010, approx 1320pm, at the Shell Station bus-stop near NP, as I was chatting with 2 classmates of mine, we head a loud Bang.

Its a Saturday, yet traffic was strangely heavy today. There we were, at the bus-stop, and I spotted 2 Secondary School girls from YI, crossing the road. Indeed, they were jay-walking, but so have 4 of us PForters on that very same stretch of road.

Alas, I didn't see the whole thing. But what I saw was substantial. I saw the white Mercedes Limo-cab brake hard; and I saw her legs in the air. She flew, and she landed hard. When traffic cleared a little, I saw a small group of people, cab-driver included, crowding around her. A Caucasian woman popped her head up with the student's bag, and checked her pulse. A bottle of water was passed around till it reached the Caucasian woman, and she used to it clean off some blood. I wasn't able to really see, but I did see her bloodied face and arms. She was alive, and the police and eventually the ambulance came, and then off they went.

I thank my lucky stars I'm alive to type this, because I too came close to being run-over by a car while jaywalking last Wednesday night. Had I been rooted to that spot for a second more, the consequences unthinkable.

Indeed, she was lucky to survive, and I too hope she survives. Still, I cannot imagine the pain a parent would feel to know that all their sacrifice and investment has come to an abrupt end when their child dies.

smell then reach out

I just filled up my pilot application form a few minutes ago.

Well, what I want to see down the line, is MinDef calling me up, I go for their checks, and I get in before I take my A level examinations. Of course that's ideal, and the chances of this happening is not 100%.

Well, hopefully I'll be shipped into enlistment in January 2011 and continue that charge from there.

I just checked up my CCA and extracurricular records and I must say it is particularly dazzling. And all that I'm searching for now is the straight As to finish up the cherry on the bowl of cream I've been preparing for the past year or so.

So now, study hard, really I have to. Straight As aren't easy, but reach out and touch the sky; when in the end I make it, I'll look back and think I laboured not in vain. And I will reap the fruits of my labour.

I am closer than I have ever been.

I am here for a higher purpose

College and the world

Today I attended a lecture on genetics composition in NTU. It was part of my friend's module in her biomedical sciences degree and I decided to just take a look since I was free today. I sat in like a drop in the deep blue sea.

And shit, as I sat there, I realised all of a sudden with so much overwhelming conviction that I got to study hard if not I'll end up doing something that sucks and something I don't want for my degree...

Test of Time

Completed second draft of a five minute screenplay that I'm not terribly ashamed of, though this could change depending on what people say. It's partially based on the little roy incident, though the incident isn't really the point. Here is an excerpt:

JULIAN
Listen. I may be new to this school
but I’m not new to your type. Do we
understand each other, little Roy?
Stay away from my students.

Download link clicky clicky

May or may not use for final project.

I solemnly swear to preface most of my blogposts with an excuse about why I haven't posted. This time it's a bout of apathy. I KNOW I can just shake my schedule clean of gaming and become one of the top FSV students in terms of results, but I just won't. FSV may have been one of the best choices for me personally, but "one of the best" doesn't necessarily mean "good".

Me and a bunch of friends went to Canteen 4 yesterday. Campus is large and varied enough such that it's like a microcosm of a city, each part of the city having distinctive bits of culture. Canteen 4 was filled with people from engineering, or so I was told. Unlike the air-conditioned, shiny canteen the media students frequented, there were drab textures, and ceiling fans everywhere. And the general feel of the place... felt like secondary school.

When I was queuing for food I was wearing the hood of my jacket, but the rest of it was hanging down over my back like a cape. I probably looked weird. Apparently, this was reason enough for a couple of unknown guys behind me to react in the usual pseudo-cheena-bum fashion. They tugged a few times on my jacket, discussed me in loud whispers, and pushed one of their buddies into me. So cheena. I wouldn't have gotten this treatment in the usual canteen, where bald people, pseudo-assertive girls and western accents were common. I was a bit nervous, but when they finally outright began speaking to me as if I was some sort of deformed talking alien, they just made small talk about what school I was from, etc. I'm not even sure why talking to these types make me feel nervous.

Serve

Today's chapel service was really great. As usual, since it was the first chapel of the term, we sang the college hymn.

There is a line in the college hymn that goes

They reaped not where they laboured, we reaped what they have sown

This line really spoke to me about how we're always receiving and harvesting from those who went before us. And we owe it to them for our today.

The chapel message was great too. It talked about the mark of a saint. The college's vision is "Every Saint a servant leader". And the pastor talked about what it meant to be a servant leader, and what it meant when we are set apart and recognised by our society by our alumnus and being a servant leader. The qualities, and the fine line we walk. Really spoke to me and aligned me with this vision.

There are just so many things that I can take out of the college before I leave. And I want to make this whole year count.

"The most difficult thing of JC2 is turning 18"

As my examinations reaches its climax and begin to wrap up, let me just say I messed it up horribly.

The JC2 syndrome has already hit me. Well I'm going out less, people say I look depressed on certain days, and I just can't help but think of academics every single (insert expletive) minute of the day. There are the other many tell-tale signs too yes, but shit, I'm going down such a lonesome and antagonizing path.

What I've always found really really difficult is trying to live up to the expectations people have for me. I want my straight As for the A level examinations, but what really scares the crap out of me is how people take it for granted that I'll exit the examination hall with something decent despite me telling them I'm going to screw it up. Just scanning through my brain now, I can think of more than 5 people who would be really really sad if I messed up because they think "he'll surely make it".

I can't deny then, that to a certain extend, I feed on this pressure. Knowing people believe and have such faith in me stirs me a little to working harder and to fighting stronger. But there's a limit to everything, and now I feel like I've run into a brick wall, unable to handle all these undeniable influence all these people have of me.

I admit, that I've not been the best student of late, and my MSAs will probably see my grades free fall. I'm going to come back stronger for BT1 in March I promise.

The perfectionist in me still scorns and mocks the ignorant who crumble to pressure and a little stress from the endeavour, but I do see now that people have limits.

Tomorrow is my math paper. And I know all these have nothing to do with the calculus of integration and the applications of advance differentiation, but 10 minutes ago, I remembered again that I am 1 of 6 billion.

Giving a shit

I really envy religious people (this must be the 22nd time I'm saying this). To always have a big guy in the sky look out for you (or just believing that he is), it's not only reassuring, it gives one purpose - false purpose or not, it's still purpose. I'm backed up against the wall and there's no obvious discernible reason. My relationships with people remain fairly balanced, I'm not top-tier but not average in academics either, I'm finally studying something I chose, etc. etc.

I feel like I just don't care anymore. It is like I've lost faith in everyone and everything around me. Yesterday Zeph messaged me while I was playing Fallout 3 (like a drug addict), and I'm not sure I cared. This is frightening. I'm sleeping late again. Sliding down a slippery slope to apathy about everything. What if all I want to do, ever, is wander around in video game wastelands? Homework's been piling up, never mind if it's actually fairly interesting and relevant stuff, I've just ignored it. I know I can't do this to myself yet I'm letting it happen. Do I even care anymore? Will quitting video games help or will I just switch to a different drug?

Fuck it, no more Fallout 3 on weekdays, back to movies. Saccharine romantic comedies fuck yeah.

2009 - a year in a flash

Here's a quick look at 2009

Big shit that happened in 2009 : The end of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam
Well good riddance finally to the death of that son-of-bitch leader of the tamil tigers. For years, they have been trying to kill this guy; with commando raids, air assaults, guerrilla warfare and all that. And for so many years, they have failed. A lot of people have said over the past 2 and a half decades that if they manage to kill this guy, they can put an end to the war. And alas, finally this shit is all over. It really shows how one man can make all the difference to a country and indeed the world. Probably the biggest headliner of the year, I'm genuinely encouraged that 25 years of pseudo civil war has come to and end.

We want our tigers for breakfast

Big surprise of 2009: Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize
No kidding, I flipped in my underpants when I heard about this. Firstly, very few politicians ever win the Nobel Peace Prize as a politician in office. Thats because politicians and peace don't go together. But that said, the Nobel Peace Prize to me is just one massive staged show for fun. Think of past awardees like Ang Sang Su Kyii and the Dalai Lama. Like how the hell did they ever contributed to peace in our time?
Well all my cynicism aside, I do believe the award is also very pre-mature. The last US president to get the award: Jimmy Carter didn't even get the award for his term in office. He hasn't done much in terms of deserving a peace prize, but then again, only time and history will tell.

Finally I'll be able to play with aircraft carriers!

The ass holes of 2009: Bernie Madoff rapes all his investors in a Ponzi Scheme
Now honestly, majority of the blame for the recent financial crisis can fall squarely on his shoulders (or people like him for that matter). Powerful, influential, rich and greedy bankers. He started a Ponzi Scheme to scam investors by giving out returns made by other investors. All this made him very, very wealthy. And as a result, Volkswagen buys Porsche and every hedge fund in the world has gone bust. So this financial crisis is because of greedy ass holes like Bernie boy.

It was fun while it lasted you son-of-a-bitch.

Well that was our year. Another normal one in the 21st century. Where no news is news.

Finding new words for old desires

Tomorrow marks the release of the 2009 O level results. Which makes me think and ponder. It's been a year since I got my results. I made it into a decent Junior College and I'm still trying to work hard.

2009 was a flash year. Seems almost like yesterday when I collected my O level results. And now I'm facing the biggest exam in my 12 years of education. Sounds the same old same old. In fact I would like to think it isn't.

Anyway I do have a little buzz in me that makes me excited for school to start. The prospect of seeing new faces and the new kids in school do excite me.
I remember how I always see my seniors in the corridors studying and having consultations. Finally it's my turn.

I'm still searching for that perfect result card.
I'm still searching for my peak physical performance.
I'm still searching for stronger relationships.
I'm still searching for that career path.
I'm still searching for love.
I'm finding new words for old desires.

Veritas

2010 will undoubtedly be the year for a lot of us.

I can't believe that my classmates have already begun studying their balls off for the new year. Then again, the A levels at the end of the year would be really big for a lot of us.
Surprisingly, I'm still feeling rather cold and numb towards the big exam feel.

Friends have already started setting their crosshairs: Columbia, Oxford, Cambridge, MIT and the likes.

Well for the not so bright of us, the humble NUS and NTU remains.

Secretly don't we all want to be foreign educated. Especially in oxbridge and the ivy league. There is a sense of social elitism that these schools exude.
So that is why they study so hard.

On another note, the new school semester begins next Monday on the 11th.
And then it would be another struggle. For those who expect so much from me...

I think there is something artistic about the absolution cover art.

12am forever

To be truthfully honest, I do feel a little constricted and a little bit naked without my personal blog. There's always the question on whether I should go back to reopening it, but I never did went back. Partly because it's unhealthy, partly because I know bad people read it (I kid).

I have so many things on my incomprehensible mind that I just need to put it down and paper doesn't seem like a nice option.

I feel effing dispossessed in the past few weeks.

My relationship with steph have been on a steep declined ever since I started giving cynical comments about her life. But that's not the real reason. I think what it really is, is that I'm afraid of continuing deeper into a committed relationship with her. Partly because I think she's not mature enough, and partly because our values (maybe principles would be a better word) are a little off alignment.

Regardless, you do sometimes get that morose feel when you look back and wished you would have done something.

For now I really am giving her a lot of serious thought and attention. But to be honest in a few days time my priorities would shift and I'll downgrade her down a few notches on the list.

Needless to say then, it's still a mighty big issue I have to tackle in a matter of time.

Merry New Year

So many things have changed. Like how I realised how i vehemently dislike punk rock now.

And also, my relationship with my mum has been particularly straining of late. Might be all that teenage rebelliousness, but really right now I can't really talk to her properly and lets leave it that way for now.