These threads of glass

I feel really angsty.

I thought the past year or so have been a fairly bad year. I felt I de-matured, I felt I’ve grown weaker; in every sense of the word. I can’t run as fast now, I’m not as fit as I was before during my heydays and I’m not as emotionally stable as I was. Right now, more than ever I feel so mediocre.

I can’t take mediocrity. I desire excellence. But I really can’t seem to find the energy to squeeze that out of me. I’m not as driven as I used to be. In fact I feel old, tired, weary and supremely weak. I’m more accepting of defeat now, and more accepting of imperfections in my life. Some say I have mellowed. I just feel like I messed up some big part along the way that messed up the other parts of me.

As the days (months, and even years) go by, I'm getting increasingly frustrated, increasingly disenchanted, increasingly disillusioned and increasingly F-ed up.

Despite all my successes, I'm still severely lacking in one area.

Last week my friend told me I gave him the impression of the main character in the movie 'The Game". Despite all the successes and all the achievements, I just lead a rather unconvincing happy life...

Kinda true to a certain extend...

Gawd I'm really F-ed up now

our december sun is coming

I played truant again today.

Not that I don't enjoy school. School is really fun and stuff. But after a while it just gets really tiring and on somedays I feel the need to run away from 12 hour schedules.

Now that exams are over, it's back to the board. For most of us, it's back to covering the syllabus and we got about 1 to 2 topics left to cover for all subjects before term's out on the last week of November. For others, there's the mugging to do for the level up papers. And for the even smaller minority, there's no need for them in school until next year to start with the retainee's J1 year.

Ahaha. Felt really recharged and refreshed today as I slept in for most of the day with my ipod snuggled in my ears. Listening to all the old songs.

O levels start next week. I miss O levels haha.

Movie reviews

So after TOFU told me about how some people in JC join CCAs aiming directly for a leadership position, then quit and find another CCA if they don't get high up enough into the hierarchy, I began to think about my CCA. It's interesting.

I'm in something of a film club that publishes reviews and organizes movie screenings now and then. It's like my old drama club in that most of the members who have had significant passion for the CCA have all passed out long ago. For starters, I'm going to get publishing a shitload of movie reviews and get a shitload of credit to compete with those weeaboos who organize camps for points.

The school organizes advance screenings of upcoming movies. What I'm going to do is to attend these screenings, which will allow me to put out a review before anyone else. I've already done this with my previous review (first page on Google search!). Next I should be covering Royston Tan's Little Note. Oh yeah.

Besides that I'm going to tackle a list of movies I want to get attention for:
Speak (one of my favourite movies ever, though for personal reasons)
Sita Sings The Blues
Singapore Rebel (if they'll let me, which I doubt they will)
Local productions (will probably avoid mainstream offerings though)
Anime movies (so I can burn them and get over 9000 angry pageviews)
Films about the internet and internet culture
Machinima films


With every review I"ll include linkbacks to the fort - so we might we getting some extra visitors in the future. Don't write illegal stuff or anything, lol.

Well remember all those reports on increasing teenage pregnancies and all those rocketing trends... I wondered before, if I'm not having sex, and so are most of my peers, then who the hell is creating all these babies?

Ah well. Couldn't understand before how big sex was in a life of an eighteen year old. Now probably I do understand it a bit more. So I decided to do a little fishing around the net,

and I found that it was the yalams who were having most of these teenage pregnancy problems. Not really sure how reliable these information are. And given my inactivity with the yalam community its really hard to verify.

Irony of ironies. ahahaha.

sounds kinda like a big joke, but really kids; next time, use the condom because I don't want an overcrowded nation.

Ah this is a big joke. Singapore's social systems is getting really "too-big-at-the-bottom-of-the-pyramid" kinda thing for me.

Glad I'm at the point and I want to stay at the tip thank you very much.

I don't know what to do with my life

I've thought up a lot of big projects before. Intended to do them, too. Thing is, I never do.

I have a large, personal film project. I'm beginning to do some research for it. Set up a development blog that's being updated. Can't shake the feeling that in a month I'm going to drop it entirely and just play RPGs during all my free time.

If I succeed, this movie will completely change my life. Maybe then I'll know what to do with it.

You are always on my mind

Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have,
Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have,
If I made you feel second best,
I'm so sorry I was blind...

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times,
And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine,
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time...

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died,
Baby, give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied,
Because you're always on my mind...

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

So far, things have been a little bit shaky.

And the way things are looking out to be, its looking increasingly bad in my favour.

Most of the time, the same thing happens: life kicks in.

half life

Life would have been very different if I haven't step foot into SAJC.

But the question is would I have been happier or would I have to rely on induced happiness to get me through my day. I definitely will find it a struggle to smile in the next year or so with exams looming and coming quickly.

So many options that I've picked in life have so far brought about much to self debate on.

Considering most people say they go through their mid life crisis at late thirties and in their forties, I'm currently probably going through a quarter life crisis.

So many things I've been doing has all been much about trying to induce myself with happiness after tough times I've been (still going) through... After a while, it gets hard and it gets tiring.

Last night I counted sheep trying to get to bed with some big number to remember and smile myself to sleep. But obviously that didn't quite worked out right.

My december sun is setting

Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars

A lot of things are going to change.

I mean it.