The strange things I get from porn... (Serious post)

(Please read the post below this one; I recently posted my O Level English composition, and if you read it and tell me you like it I will get a hard on.)

Rest assured, The following post is safe for reading. Unless your parents are really narrow-minded and oppressive, you could probably use this for a bedtime story or something. If you have a pretty good idea what 4chan is, just skip the next three paragraphs, though I'd have a bigger boner if you didn't.

Once again re-iterating for the unwashed: 4chan is a diverse and popular imageboard (that means people go there to post images). It is divided into many sections, including Anime, Torrents, Guns, Artwork, Music, Video Games, Transportation, etc. Most users remain anonymous, thus avoiding some measure of e-drama. The most well known section is /b/, the Random section of the imageboard, which cultivates a mess of memes (little fads and recurring jokes), insensitivity-on-purpose, running the gamut from bare honesty to hardcore trolling. It's the source of the recent anti-Scientology movement dubbed "Project Chanology" (which involves rickrolling the Church of Scientology).

It's an interesting community - your petite safe society's rules don't apply. In fact, 4chan's citizens were probably the first to make fun of things like September 11, suicides (emo kids), rape, and all that stuff nobody decries or has an alternative view on in public. That's just it - 4chan is alternative. It's a haven for people to dump all the socially unacceptable things they have in their heads. It's the backlash from society's oppressive "follow the crowd" force.

/d/ is the section for Hentai/Alternative. You thought Hentai was bad? /d/ is where the really /d/eviant stuff go. BDSM (wikipedia it), mixing of genders (please don't ask), monsters, tentacle monsters (hohoho), ridiculous stretching of body parts... I'll stop here. Sorry to those who have good imaginations.


So tonight I was skipping around /d/, with my parents in bed and me not in bed. I found a thread where the theme was "Left to come forever" which basically translates into "leaving bound helpless females with vibrators in them FOREVAR" or perhaps more accurately: "Forced orgasms without a male in the picture". Anyway, the downright crazy pictures posted aren't what I want to highlight.


Early into the thread someone called the idea of forced orgasms as "weird". According to him/her, without a consenting mind, you can't orgasm. Other people thought differently: "Stimulation is stimulation", someone said. "...it is possible to force women to orgasm even if they're not in the mood/mentally stimulated."


If you still think this is an argument about orgasms (a moderator actually thought that the issue was with how erotic the fetish was), I suggest you think a little deeper.


"There was actually a well-known rapist in the states who thought that since he made them orgasm, it wasn't really rape... just because you have an orgasm doesn't mean you wanted it."

The shit began flying from this post on (shortened and removed some posts, Note that there were an indeterminate number of participants, as everyone went by "Anonymous"):
"There's no way they orgasmed if they didn't want it. They either faked it which, lets face it, isn't hard, or they conceded and -tried- to orgasm because he was oh, threatening their life with a gun or knife. So I suppose in a life-threatening sense you can "force" an orgasm."

"I'm praying to God that you're a troll. How could you possibly say such a thing like that? Women have climaxed while being raped-- they didn't want it or did it to somehow make it end. It just happened. That's how their body responded."

"Well. As someone who has been forced to orgasm during a rape, no, I didn't "want it" at all, in any way, shape, or form. I can't control what my body responds to."

"We are talking about a Situation in which most people wouldn't even feel pain."
"the reality of it all, they have a kink, they don't want to admit. Vibrators probably wouldn't work, unless some1 was watching them, or acting in some sort of way, that acts as their hidden kink."

"@ Everyone who's saying "If they orgasm, they must want it": And people wonder why women (and men) are afraid to report rape?"

"I haven't been raped, but came damn near close to it. Some older ugly ass woman, who probably had every STD known to man, would leave me alone, and trying too hard to whore her self to me. I was disgusted with her, but even so, i still had a hard on."

"and you were physically incapable of defense? Rape means you are completely at the mercy of the rapist. Sounds to me your experience doesn't even come close."
"Rape is sex without consent. Being able to fight back has nothing to do with it."

"statistically men are more afraid to report rape. they are also statistically more likely to experience some physical symptom of arousal during rape. In the case of anal penetration this is not actually their fault. Stimulation of the prostate will cause the penis to become erect, it's just biology."

"Quite rare to see /d/ go from fetish dump to full on discussion."

Indeed. Roughly half of the Anons were objecting angrily to those who thought that "it's not rape if the victim orgasms". I was really surprised when one of them claimed to have been raped before. After all, this is /d/ - people come here to FAP at pictures of girls getting tied down and raped. Defending rape victims? Them? Could they simply have been lying about being raped before? Something to think about, eh?

Balancing real life with fantasy. It's harder than they portray in the shows - this issue has warranted attention ever since the internet offered people the option of escape. I've been watching porn since Primary 5, yet it doesn't get in the way (well not from this side anyway) when I'm talking to female acquiantances. For this facet at least, I can separate life from fantasy (Mikana is the exception; she bounces all over the spectrum for me).

So exactly how closely does our biology tie into the human intent and emotions? As XKCD put it: Psychology is applied biology. But if free will can override sexual pleasure, what else does it override? How many times has humankind clashed with nature already? Ovary-severing? Is human friendship akin to the cooperation of a buffalo herd or is it more? Sex changes? What is the difference between a romance and a sexual relationship? Domestic partnerships versus traditional marriage? Obviously, these are not simple questions.


Here, have a funny picture.

Greed - O Level

Re-creation of what I wrote for my O Level English paper. Obviously it's a whole lot sleeker and shinier than the original, thanks to my shitty memory and perfectionist streak. Major plot occurences have been left unchanged.

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Being an outlaw isn't easy. I have done burglary, small theft, big theft, robbery, armed robbery, been caught in a few gang fights and was even an assassin for a while. I was not too proud of that last one, and quit, but nevertheless I needed money again.

Johnny put his best foot forward and with a sharp crack, the apartment door came off its hinges. He was taking point this time and stepped onto the carpet with his pistol up, grinning from ear to ear. It was only on raids like this that he would smile. I would have blown the lock with a blast from one of the scatterguns we packed -it was a faster method of breaking and entering - but some locals tended to place their valuables just outside the front door.

On the other hand, it tended to give residents more of an advance warning. A shotgun protruded into the right side of my peripheral vision and I leapt forward, catching the business end and forcing it down. Somewhat surprisingly, my left hand managed to wrench it out of the girl's hand - the attacker was a girl - and then I swung the butt of my revolver upwards. It was only a glancing blow but she fell immediately.

Johnny hissed and checked the rest of the rooms. No one else was in. Hastily, my partner tried to replace the broken door and cover the windows, but there were no curtains. There was not much at all. Johnny's grin had faded, but we bound the young, half-conscious girl and scoured the house anyway.

The revolver in my hand was actually my father's. He would probably be spinning in his grave if he knew what I was doing with his lawman's sidearm now. He had a single letter carved into the barrel every so often, aiming to have his pet phrase on it like a signature. He had been proud of himself, my father.

"Greed," he would say to me on one of his rare nights home. "Never take more than you don't need. Corrupts you, turns you into a monster."

Eventually his salary petered out and he only ever got up to "Greed". I snorted at the irony and went back to throwing items into my sack. In the only other room Johnny had a slightly thinner sack. He had been a devoted communist before the Soviet Union fell apart. Johnny's brain had probably suffered the same fate - at times he would spend days on end at the casino, hardly eating. There was irony there too.

There was so little that it made more sense to put all the loot in one sack instead of dividing it between Johnny and me. During the transfer, the young girl started weeping.

"Please..." she whimpered. "We're poor..."

The sack that was holding it all ruptured and spilled out onto the floor. A big bunch of coins mostly, a little bronze-coloured medal, a couple of blunt knives, and a lot of dust.

"My father, please... he's a policeman."

I winced. It was all there, heavy on my shoes. Both of us, my partner and me, looked down at the pickings of the day. Tomorrow we'd be back at the casino, in the drug alley, in the brothel, in the gun shop, then back to this business.

"Please, I be -"

Johnny grabbed the girl and hit her across the head.

"Let's sell you, cunt." He was gripping her breast and pulling her up. "Let's just sell you."

"No, let's go," I heard myself saying. "Leave it and let's move on to the next apartment."

Johnny didn't budge.

"Come on. There's nothing here-"

"The world owes me!" He was suddenly shaking more than the girl was. "I need this. I need -"

Abruptly, he released the girl and stepped out over the ruins of the door. The girl cowered.

After a while, I unholstered my father's revolver, dropped it on the pile of things, and left.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What was added in post-exam:
Additional descriptions
Father's quest to inscribe catchphrase on revolver.
Extra irony
Johnny's use of the word "cunt".
Johnny's shaking.
An explanation of why Johnny didn't just shoot the lock and push open the door.
The sack spilling out the loot and the symbolic meaning that came with it. In the original, the robbers just threw all the stuff into a pile.
This version's portrayal of Johnny is more sympathetic. In the original he started grabbing boobs when the girl revealed her policeman father, instead of being hit with the symbolism first.
More relevance to greed.

What was kept in:
The breast-grabbing. I am sorry to say that this bit made it into the version that I handed up for the O Levels.
"Let's sell you."
The girl's pleading.
The girl's father's occupation, and how Johnny winced at it.
Johnny and his past
Protagonist and Johnny's habit of wasting their ill-earned money on gambling and other pursuits (original version had no explicitly-mentioned drugs, brothels, or gun shops though)
The girl's shotgun and her getting revolver-butted
"The world owes me, mother-fucker!"
The character's extensive experience in the criminal world.
The symbolic meaning of the father's revolver
Protagonist's father being long dead.
Withholding of the protagonist's name.
The ending.

What was left out:
I remember harping on about how lawless the protagonist's lifestyle was, and as a result ended my composition with "I have rules, too." But I guess it was a little off-point, so I took it out.
The father's advice also used to be something about keeping to your principles, but in the middle of the exam I crossed that out and wrote something about greed to be more relevant.
Johnny was portrayed less sympathetically as a slightlty bigger dirtbag in the original incarnation.
My cock

Big Fat Fear

I suddenly have this very strong sense of fear of not accomplishing what I want for this examinations. No one likes failure. But fear of failure from my part is tearing my apart. With the first week gone like that, I'm seriously very skeptical of my chances to take flight to wherever I want to go.

A friend once told me, we must do the examinations well, not because we want to enter somewhere or some course very badly, but because we want to be able to choose. I can't deny, having that choice eases everyone a teeny weeny little bit.

I'm getting damn scared. Though the examinations are still in the midst and I should really be concentrating on my examinations effort now, I still can't push away that fear that hangs like a noose around my neck. Screw it. Someone once told me, 'regrets are addictive'. I don't want to outlive this sense of guilt and regret. This examination is affecting me more than I think it would, and much more than I imagine it would affect me.

Results day next year : screw it. And if I don't make it. Think of all the people I have let down in the process. Screw this shit.

Tofu : Word out

Home

I don't have a deity to confess to, so I'll piss on you guys instead. I haven't been studying these past few days. I've been sitting at my computer, unable to concentrate on Maths, playing Demonophobia (don't image search it, NSFW), TF2, going on GunZFactor to ban people who hate me, reading TvTropes, watching Avatar the Last Airbender and Children of Men (good movie), not to mention porn (needless to say this is NSFW too). Yes, I remember what I said about pwning Mikana, and I am forced to agree that even with DPA I have to get decent O Level grades. There's also my little dream of making enough money neuropreservation(cryonics) and someday revive myself in a bright new future where I can more or less choose when I want to die. There are so many things that could reduce that plan to ashes.


The last few weeks has had an effect. I thought it would be straight sailing (not smooth, straight) towards the end of this year, into my final examinations. But everytime I bring up a pen to study I can hardly do it. The thing is I struggle to find something that motivates me and there's nothing.

I have no role models - thanks to my pessimism, I see faults in everyone. Whenever my family is in the room I put on my headphones to drown them out - my mother and sister whining in their overloud, stupid voices, and my father hurrying to please them, my maid is the only person living here that I really feel comfortable with. My mother put four huge bars of chocolate on the computer table the other days, just a few days after she deposited a packet of Toblerones and Hersheys and when these things happen it just falls on me how pathetic my relationship with my family is. Someone once said that you only get to choose between truth and happiness; so I don't see my family as my family - I evaluate them based on the people I think they are (same rationale for my attempting to become a bi-romantic), and when you wipe away all those fuddy-duddy society's expectations for you to love your parents because of their biological relation...

So when I go home, I change into a very different person than I am from school. When I spend my time at home, I turn into that guy who sits through his entire holiday month. Wake up, stuff mouth with breakfast, play till lunch is cold, scarf down lunch, play till dinner, scarf, my family goes to sleep, I quickly shower and sleep and wake up... it's a blur. Days go by where I don't open my mouth to speak in a single day (I very rarely say anything at all to my parents, and absolutely nothing to my sister). And lately, I'll lie in bed and think about dying.

It's pretty unpleasant being this sort of person. There's the constant feeling like there's nothing in life beyond your four walls. Everything feels empty in here. Every night I feel guilty and tell myself to study the whole day tomorrow but of course it never works. I identified my problems wrong. I still don't know what they are exactly. Probably a mix of habitual procrastination, extremely low self esteem, extreme loneliness, pessimistic nature, social skills deficiency, having dreams that are set too high or maybe I have dreams just because it's the sort of thing TV characters do. I would also say that the fact that I have never been friends with anyone for over two years is pretty fucking unhealthy. Maybe this emo entry indicates what an attention seeker I've become. Gosh. But I do know one thing for sure - I have to get out of this house. I have to start getting out of it now.

Give me back my gun

Pessimism and optimism has always been at the heart of the psychologist's pursuit of understanding the human mind. The common question has always been, "is the glass half empty or half full". Most of us now cannot relate to this glass question until placed into a particularly different situation from what we are used to having.

I'd say pessimism and optimism differs not according to a person, but to a situation. So we can never really actually be pessimist or optimist. I've never seen a clown laugh when his mum got knocked down by a car. Like really? How can anyone be so one sided? PanZerZ used to say it all depends on whether you are thirsty or not. Paradoxical. Oh so true. We are never really optimist or pessimist. The question then to ask is, are you thirsty or not?

The best you ever had;

A Maths O levels are starting at 2.30pm later today, and here I am playing games and slacking.

Been listening to a lot of Arctic Monkeys, and you know what? They rock xD They've got innuendo in their songs! (;

Lyrics to Fluorescent Adolescent :
You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything's in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary's lacking a Tabasco
Remember when he used to be a rascal?

Oh that boy's a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
Not as daft as they seem
Not as daft as they seem
My love when you dream them up...

Flicking through a little book of sex tips
Remember when the boys were all electric?
Now when she tells she's gonna get it
I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget it
Clinging to not getting sentimental
Said she wasn't going but she went still
Likes her gentlemen to not be gentle
Was it a Mecca Dobber or a betting pencil?

Oh that boy's a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
Weren't as daft as they seem
Not as daft as they seem
My love when you dream them up
Oh, where did you go?
Where did you go?
Where did you go? Woah.

Falling about
You took a left off Last Laugh Lane
You just sounded it out
You're not coming back again.

Falling about
You took a left off Last Laugh Lane
You just sounded it out
You're not coming back again.

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Started all the naughty nights with niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything's in order in a black hole
Everything was pretty in the past though
That Bloody Mary's lacking in tabasco
Remember when he used to be a rascal?

So maybe I should be studying for A Maths, but to me studying just before an exam doesn't work. Yeah, cram everything in your head, only to lose it all in the heat of the exam. So I'm playing games at www.kongregate.com! xD Fun stuff mind you. Call me gay, but hey it helps you relax, until you start losing at Bloons Defense 3. Then it starts to suck.

Ok now me go play some more =D







Just anything, anything, will make me happy
Don't you know that?

Stupid

Mistakes often come back to haunt us; regardless of severity. Mistakes to our personal lives, our relationships, our decisions, our future, there are countless of errors in life for us to make. Too many if I might add.

After coming back from my chem paper today, I felt a surge of violent darkness pillaging my soul. Chemistry, one of my higher scoring subjects, and I felt I did it horribly. Mistakes no doubt accounted for a large portion of lost marks. Obviously I can't go back in time to change things. I still feel sore about those stupid errors. And I was so confident for this paper. Square one and to the pound yard. Could it be that I wasn't prepared enough? How can that be? damn.

Tofu : word out

Seeking My Epiphany

I spent last night doing the wierdest thing. I picked open a previous-locked drawer that had its key hidden somewhere, and since I saw this bible an organisation gave me and my brother around 10 years ago.
Feeling sluggish and burned out, I was in no mood to study. Yet at the same time, I couldn't sleep cos it would seem that I had an excess of energy. So I sat down, flipped the bible open, and tuned my radio to Gold 90fm, for 987 and Class 95 were playing shit music (RnB and Techno respectively).
I started reading Genesis, on how God created the Earth, while the radio played some nice oldies, like "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" and "I Want To Break Free" etc.
As I read and read, the cynic in me began to start attacking the information the bible presented. It seemed so propaganda-ish, written as if to justify the actions and places and names of old. And as I read on, about how God blessed Abraham, Isreal, Joseph etc., he blessed them with thousands of children, blessed their lineage with the ability to rule nations, the ability to subdue others. It all seemed so fake, as if some old wiseguy in the past wrote it to justify the overpopulation, slavery and wars we have and had.
Yet as I read on, all the way till I finished the entire Genesis in one sitting, I slowly began to enjoy reading it, much like a heavily factual storybook that seems so fantastical. I couldn't make any sense of it, but perhaps it could be that I was reliving some childhood endeavor I never got round to. So I said to myself, I will make it a habit, every Friday night, I will sit down and read a whole chapter (the next on is Exodus) of the bible. And when I am done, perhaps I can get started on the Buddhist Sutras.
And after that, I slept peacefully and contently. Perhaps this is my destiny, to keep searching for a faith I can truly relate to, but nevertheless, it was a very nice thing to do. It gave me food for thought, it fed my spiritual needs. It calmed my soul. And who knows, perhaps one day, you might see me in a church.
But for now, I am still searching. And as Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley and many others have said, "I did it my way".

Tastes baaaaaaaaaaaad

blech

First off, what a gay poll. >>>>

SIX genres and you call that a poll? I demand some minority representation. Babies, let me show you my music folder!

Click for larger view.

Oh, and I forgot the Mandalorian warchants near the top left. Kandosii! =D

Right now I'm listening to quite a lot of K-pop band Epik High, plus bits of the instrumental soundtrack of Heroes of Might & Magic III. The good thing about songs sung in foreign language is that you can pretend that they mean something really profound whereas for English pop you have to suffer the full brunt of their emo shit.

HOMM III music sounds like top-notch stuff someone paid a professional composer and an orchestra to create. About as good as the story behind the games, which makes it formidably epic.
Tatalian Theme
Stronghold
These are the few that are immediately likeable. The rest just grow on you during the game. Ah, HOMM III... good times.


Epik High mixes English lyrics with Korean ones, and has epik music videos to match:





Mainstream sucks! BE DIFFERENT!! IT'S COOL TO BE DIFFERENT

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TOFU gave me some free cognac in a essence of chicken bottle last month. Lol. I hear he got grilled by his mother when she found out.

I laughed, and thanks to karma my father found my little cognac store. I was expecting him to have a "man-to-man talk" about alcohol, but instead he asked me if he should buy more essence of chicken for me.

Gosh.

Obviously, being flustered and having absolutely no idea whether Essence of Chicken would really be beneficial, I gave a noncommital answer. And so thanks to commercial-love syndrome, he bought a 12-pack of Essence of Chicken anyway. Wat?

Okay, the packaging says it's got an unique flavour, and it can be served chilled or warm. Today I finally decide to indulge my good ol' dad and come to the breakfast table with one little bottle. Hmm, is that going to be enough? Maybe I should get moar. Instead I get a backup plan: a warm mug of coffee. Mmmm.

How do I open this thing? There's this metal brace ringed around the gorram lid. I try using my fingernails(or my cock) but damn I fear for my fingers(and cock), digging into thin aluminium flaps. I clap my hands and a spoon falls out of the air to my rescue (well okay, it was in the kitchen). I pull out the metal ring. The packaging's next instruction says to leave the ring around the neck and use it to push out the lid. Shit.

Thanks to spoon power, I get the ring where it's supposed to be. However, all manner of pushing up against the ring results in a big steaming pile of nothing. So I say

"FUCK IT" (Drawing my cock from it's holster...)

And fingernail it open. Surprise! The lucsious, smooth, dark golden treasures met the light... utterly exposed to my scantily-clad self (shirt, shorts, panties and a GLOWING ERECTION (no bra)). Sticking little bro in and then drinking it would be like drinking our of my own cock (lol) so I decide to down half first. Parting my tender lips, I tilt my lithe form back and prepare to let it dribble down my... tongue. Yeah. A cool liquid, less chilling than I thought it would be, brushes against my lips and proceeds to invade me. It carresses my - oh, OH SH - HOLY FUCKING SHIT OH SHIT AHHH AHHH SHIT FUCK OH AHHH COFFEE AHHH COFFEE COFFEE I NEED COFEEE

gulp gulp gulp

... I feel like I've just been raped.

I poured the Essence of Chicken into my sink. Got eleven left. Anybody want them? For free? D=

Just for a bit more squick(read: cockthrobbing), in case you're unfazed(not excited enough), look up "wakamezake". Have fun! ;D *fondles cognac mischievously*

It's Not Over

I hate my radio because there is hardly any good music on. I used to listen to 987fm, long ago; before they switch over to playing black rap (which made me want to smash my radio). Class 95 is the best thing they have on air play. A channel that balances the contemporary pop of (no) black rap and the old school retro country of Gold 90fm.

Its not over - Secondhand Serenade
My tears run down like razorblades and no,
I'm not the one to blame: it's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out and now we are all ashamed.
And there is no sense in playing games,
when you done all you can do.
But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over, It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back, but it's over.

I had enough of Fall For You by secondhand. For a moment it was playing everywhere and pissed the shit out of me. I had that song long before it was released for local airplay and the overplay did not help me joing the fall for you hype.
Secondhand Serenade is a solo project by some guy. I would say his strengths is in acoustic ballads (something I really like). But perhaps a weak link in his music is that it all sounds repetive if you don't listen to the lyrics, because it's all acoustic, the only instrument are guitars.

After lisstening to 'A Twist in My Story' album, I would give only 3 stars. Didn't really hit me like a meteorite, but it is worth listening if you like acoustic ballads and songs with 'emotional' painted all over.

It's cheap but it ain't free

With the major examinations round the corner, naturally, everyone is panicking because we all don't think we're prepared and up to task. Guess its starting to eat into me too because I realised I've been pulling my weight around wrongly for far too long. I think they call it procastination. Balls. Biggest shit of all is I hope I won't live to regret this incident because regrets are addictions that eat you away.

Death Cab for Cutie is really kinda emo in a teeny weenish kind of way. Its so cool how Death Cab for Cutie can be so "emotional through being emotionless". Marching Bands of Manhattan still "Possesses my Heart". We need more bands like this, to be true to their music...

Its still a long way to go and I'm just into the start of my short life on Earth. Like what you do and do what you like. Life is short, play naked.


If I could open my eyes, to see in all directions at the same time.
Tofu : Word out

Just did some stupid things.

BIG SURPRISE.

Can't tell you what's the other (I emailed the details to everyone who I thought needed to know).

I neglected to study enough for Chem practical and missed out like, 3 sections. Shit. Not to mention my getting really off readings for my Physics practical. The last few days I've been doing almost nothing.


So yeah. Seems that I'm a big cake eater, as each time I think I've done something damn stupid, something else takes the cake. I really can't elaborate, but for the time being, I can say that recent events have forced me to pick up a new email address (ditching Mikana in the process) and I'm thinking about finding my way in public without my spectacles on. There are just some things I would do better to break away from.

Absolute power is no fun at all

There was a time when American air superiority was something to be reckon with. A force so deadly it can travel half way around the world to shoot your carrier pegions.

Lets just recall a bit.

In Korea, (1950-1953)

American aviators had a kill ratio of 12 : 1. That is for every 12 Soviet or Chinese Aircraft shot down over the skies of Korea, the Americans lost a single aircraft. A fairly respectable ratio, the Korean war set a benchmark for jet to jet combat.

In Vietnam in the days of Operation Rolling Thunder, (1965-1968)

American Aviators were humiliated with a kill ratio of 1 : 1.1. Which is a disaster for the might and technology of the American air combat machine verses the peasant airforce of the North Vietnamese.

In the Vietnam days of Linebacker and Lineback II, (1972)

American Aviators finally acheived a kill ratio of 13:1 after the bombing halt. With Top Gun and similar fighter weapons school, American aviators finally turned the tide of combat to garner a fairly respectable kill ratio.

Then we go on the the Gulf war, (1991)

American aviators accounted for almost all air combat kills and decapitated the Iraqi air force losing no aircraft in air to air combat.

Look how long ago all those events was. Today, the Americans have redefined air power. The ultimate fighter, the F-22 Raptor is today preserved and perfected through decades of air combat experience. Yet, after almost half a decade in active service, it has yet to see its baptism of fire. And I believe that this might never come at all.

For years, American air power around the world has been and is undisputed. Today, no air force can stand against the might of the United States Air Force and stand a chance. The truth is, there is no air force out there capable of facing the Americans. This provides an interesting food for thought. Lessons of the past are in danger of being forgetten, and American aviators who trained so hard all their lives for an enemy in the sky may find it surprising that their enemy do not exist at all. Like in Iraq in 2003, the only thing with American fighters in the sky were clouds.

Absolute supremecy is no fun at all for an observer like myself. Today, fighters are being converted to bombers, where anything that can fly is an air to ground weapon. To think the peasant air force of the North Vietnamese with their leather caps could stand against the might and power of the F-4 Phantom just over 3 decades ago.

Really, this is no fun at all; seeing 19 year old kids throw themselves onto grenades fighting a civil war.

So dizzy (Teachers, 2/7, Mikana, and Hugs)

Just played a little Synergy. It's Half-Life 2 with other people on the internet passing the missions with you. This time I was playing Episode Two with about 8 others. Only faraway, distance-laggy servers were available, so when I got on, I couldn't drive properly. So I sat in the back of this van while other people rammed zombies with it. Unfortunately they were either laggy as well, or just shitty drivers. So not long after a lot of crashing and bumping and jarring halts from a high-speed turbo acceleration, I got motion sickness and had to quit. Argh.

Also a bit dizzy from the day's events. Thought graduation day would be a simple ceremony with halfassed performances or something, but I guess not. They suddenly asked me to do a speech and I did it quite okay, in my gay opinion. Mentioned that it's not just students who learn new things in school. I always wondered what the teaching society was like. Wondered if they had their own cliques and their own little spats and grudges against each other. There's another entire society so close to us, just beyond the classroom, and although some staff try to breach that wall to try to reach us, not so many of us attempt to comprehend our instructors as equals.

I don't know if its fear of authority that drives us to categorize our superiors as uberhumans who do jobs and magically disappear when the day is done, or more of simple ignorance. When moderating GZF many patrons seem to be surprised and outraged at how readily I chip in an honest view and take sides, and generally act like a regular member at times. I once received some advice from a professional author to be more inquisitive and ask all the questions that people never usually think about.

Still feeling nauseous. Urrrrrrrrrr

I owe this fascination with teacher life to a time in primary school when I overheard two teachers gossiping about how some student make a joke about a bra. They sounded like us. So I see a severely overweight teacher and I wonder if we are somehow her substitute for her never-to-be fulfilled desire to marry and have kids. I hear about teachers who had big dreams and somehow landed here, and if they push us so hard because they see their young, ambitious selves in us. Or if they're failures at life and the only lights for them are our successes. It's not the possibilities that is the point here, it's more of the big void that we don't know about our teachers, the sides of themselves they don't show to us, the lives they live separately.
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List of other things on my mind:
2/7
Mikana
Hugs


2/7:
Going to miss 'em. Today could be the last day we gather at that table we always ate at. I remember we used to go to the fitness corner every morning. Or the canteen. (I wonder where teachers go.) Wonder if I can keep in touch with people I remember from Secondary School. Eventually we'll grow further and further apart and one day at our workplace something will happen to remind us of what we did back here and we'll feel bad, really really terrible because by then we won't know each other anymore, and we can't nudge each other and ask if we still remember that time we threw JT into a dumpster. Oh man. We'll be miles apart, live apart, die apart. It's really sad if you think about it.
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Mikana:
I'll miss her. Yes. It sucks to admit it. Back in lower sec I was always trying to resist glancing. It's quite enigmatic what she is to me. I don't even know how significantly Mikana as a person, a real person, not her looks, matters to me.

She's above the level of porn (959 MB versus 40MB), yet I know she's only this noticeable because of her looks. I don't know her all that well to fall in love with her personality. She's been kind to Colonel Eggs, and been kind to me as well, but it's just not enough to hold up on its own.

Then there's the fact that she doesn't seem to be a normal crush. For someone else, I remember, I was quite smitten with until she changed her hairstyle; then it was like I hit a brick wall. Not so for Mikana. Did I mention she's endured for three years now?

Other possibilities include that it's simply an intense preference for petite figures, or maybe she's symbolic of one of my goals in life (make a wild guess). The explanation I find most convincing is that she satisfies an innate need in me to be normal and assuages my fear that I can't love anyone (sometimes I wonder if I EVER loved my parents).

Then there's a bigger fear, that what I am feeling for Mikana IS love, which would mean that love really has appearances and sex appeal as a factor. That wouldn't just suck; it would be the mother of all childhood destroyers. I want love to be pure simple appreciation of the inner cores of people.

Can't believe I'm coming out with these things. But I guess there's no compelling reason to hide.
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Hugs:
Today TOFU raised the question of how much we hugged our parents, and if we regretted not hugging them more. Well, no, he didn't ask that, but that's what I wondered.

People I've hugged include someone that probably was friends with me because she felt sorry for me, my mother (long time since last time I RETURNED a hug), my father (even further back), and I believe a few playful hugs don't count. Ms Z might have hugged me once. That's it.

Suddenly, I see the allure of people walking around Orchard Road giving out free hugs. At night sometime I ponder if during my lifetime I'll ever get to kiss anyone or be kissed. Extrapolating on hug probability makes me feel a lot, lot, worse, and I just realised that my fantasies have changed since primary school. Let's just say that they used to be a lot more sex-oriented.
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Autistic resauce

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An article about autistic attachment (no it does not lead to the dark side)
Autistic Essays and Submissions


That's a LOT more than it looks.

Happy Birthday TOFU

There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too.

You have encountered a troll!

I feed them bananas. So a day or so ago roystongoh_27@hotmail.com added me on MSN. I didn't know anyone with the name Royston (though if I'm not wrong, there is a Royston at my school, dunno his surname though). So I figured it'd be likely to be someone from GZF. This morning I was greeted warmly by my new contact.


☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:46):
fker cb
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:46):
...


Of course, being the gentleman that I am, I greeted him back just as sincerely.


Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:46):
y halo thar
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:47):
i am nicedigger
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:47):
who is u?


lulz and some head-scratching on my part ensues.


☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:47):
u from ccks?
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:47):
no i from bananaland
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:47):
ban ur lao bu la
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:47):
the place with unlimited potassium
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:47):
fuck u
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ sent 2008/10/05 10:48:
dun dare say ur sch?
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ sent 2008/10/05 10:48:
cb
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ sent 2008/10/05 10:48:
scare?
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:48):
oh! oh! oh! don't insult my fruits!
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:48):
u_u
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:48):
stupid ass hole
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:48):
u from wat sch
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:48):
say la
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:48):
the bananas dun liek u anymore
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:49):
=(
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ sent 2008/10/05 10:49:
fucking face
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ sent 2008/10/05 10:49:
ur whole family dun like u la
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:49):
but i still have bananas
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:49):
and potassium
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:49):
so?
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:49):
fuck urfamily upside down la
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
go lick ur mother pussy
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
appear offline no use


^This suggests that Royston isn't very smart, as my MSN nick clearly defines my MSN as sporadic.


☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
ur mother kena car bang la hor
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
lan jiao face
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
suck ur father cock
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
and come lick my foot
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
_|_
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:50):
D=
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:50):
y so meanie
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
who the fuck r u?
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:50):
wat sch?
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:51):
banana-buddies don't have to go to school
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:51):
we have each other
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:51):
and potassium
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:51):
fuck u la
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:51):
nabei
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:51):
u goin to die soon
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:51):
Why so serious?
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:51):
have some bananas
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:51):
try me if u dare
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:52):
u shld try bananas
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:52):
i confirm u r who
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:52):
they are really gd
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:52):
i try ur mother pussy wan?
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:52):
good ur ass la
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:52):
u take ur banana fuck inside ur mother pussy la
Nosedigger (MSN is sporadic as hell) - Melanin-laced honey stars with coffee says (10:52):
but bananas r realli naise
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:52):
help her masturbate
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
can u fuck the shut up?
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
family all die la
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
crazy die
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
i goin to die soon
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
is fine to me
☠x!!a0^royston ☠ says (10:53):
BB!
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He immediately went offline after that. So I did a couple of checks, and one of the places where I make the most "friends" is Youtube. A surprising number of people come to post scathing comments on some of the co-produced toilet humour videos I host on my account, then make multiple accounts to spam downrates. In the comments of one such video:

roystongoh (1 week ago)

hg la u wasting sch toilet paper doing this kind of stupid ****ing thing

nosedigger (1 week ago)

Well, you waste toilet paper without entertaining anybody.

(It really pisses people off when you insult them then block them right after-, so of course...)


Bottom line: Disappointing to know there weren't any epic reasons for all the hate. At least I still have my bananas.