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I don't have a deity to confess to, so I'll piss on you guys instead. I haven't been studying these past few days. I've been sitting at my computer, unable to concentrate on Maths, playing Demonophobia (don't image search it, NSFW), TF2, going on GunZFactor to ban people who hate me, reading TvTropes, watching Avatar the Last Airbender and Children of Men (good movie), not to mention porn (needless to say this is NSFW too). Yes, I remember what I said about pwning Mikana, and I am forced to agree that even with DPA I have to get decent O Level grades. There's also my little dream of making enough money neuropreservation(cryonics) and someday revive myself in a bright new future where I can more or less choose when I want to die. There are so many things that could reduce that plan to ashes.


The last few weeks has had an effect. I thought it would be straight sailing (not smooth, straight) towards the end of this year, into my final examinations. But everytime I bring up a pen to study I can hardly do it. The thing is I struggle to find something that motivates me and there's nothing.

I have no role models - thanks to my pessimism, I see faults in everyone. Whenever my family is in the room I put on my headphones to drown them out - my mother and sister whining in their overloud, stupid voices, and my father hurrying to please them, my maid is the only person living here that I really feel comfortable with. My mother put four huge bars of chocolate on the computer table the other days, just a few days after she deposited a packet of Toblerones and Hersheys and when these things happen it just falls on me how pathetic my relationship with my family is. Someone once said that you only get to choose between truth and happiness; so I don't see my family as my family - I evaluate them based on the people I think they are (same rationale for my attempting to become a bi-romantic), and when you wipe away all those fuddy-duddy society's expectations for you to love your parents because of their biological relation...

So when I go home, I change into a very different person than I am from school. When I spend my time at home, I turn into that guy who sits through his entire holiday month. Wake up, stuff mouth with breakfast, play till lunch is cold, scarf down lunch, play till dinner, scarf, my family goes to sleep, I quickly shower and sleep and wake up... it's a blur. Days go by where I don't open my mouth to speak in a single day (I very rarely say anything at all to my parents, and absolutely nothing to my sister). And lately, I'll lie in bed and think about dying.

It's pretty unpleasant being this sort of person. There's the constant feeling like there's nothing in life beyond your four walls. Everything feels empty in here. Every night I feel guilty and tell myself to study the whole day tomorrow but of course it never works. I identified my problems wrong. I still don't know what they are exactly. Probably a mix of habitual procrastination, extremely low self esteem, extreme loneliness, pessimistic nature, social skills deficiency, having dreams that are set too high or maybe I have dreams just because it's the sort of thing TV characters do. I would also say that the fact that I have never been friends with anyone for over two years is pretty fucking unhealthy. Maybe this emo entry indicates what an attention seeker I've become. Gosh. But I do know one thing for sure - I have to get out of this house. I have to start getting out of it now.