Removing the cobwebs

14 April 0245 hours

I just realised today my old blog has vanished completely from the web that is called the internet. I used to blog on a platform known as the 'Windows Live Spaces' and after they made a conversion to WordPress, my blog got erased as well(?) Not sure if it's really gone for good but at least I can't recover it.

For one, I'm pretty sad. I have almost 2 years of archives inside my personal blog (which was locked for the past 2 years btw) dating from 06. The best and worst times of my secondary school life was chronicled as transparently as I could in there. And to have it gone now, never going to be able to re-read and 're-live' those times kinda makes me sad.

I believe there were many things inside which I chronicled that could be useful to me now. In fact, that was one of the main reasons I started the personal blog in the first place. I wanted an avenue for me to reflect and learn from my past. Kind of like writing my own history book. And to have it yanked from me like that is kinda hard to swallow to be honest.

Recently I've been struggling with certain cobwebs in my life. It involves a former lover, and I know I really shouldn't be entertaining such thoughts now that I'm attached, but I just can't let the case close without officially bringing it to an end (sounds real puzzling, believe me I'm quite confused right as I got to writing this part). The premature and abrupt full stop happened almost a year ago now. Still feel a proper conclusion is lacking and I really want to bury the port holes so I can carry on and live my life.

I sound real angst right now and that probably is because I am; here and now at this very moment - it's 0245 and I'm still friggin tossing and turning trying to sort out these old cobwebs in my head.

Forgive me if the beginning and ending of this post sounds incoherent. It actually links. But then again, such is the frame of my mind right now.

Carry On Many Missons And No Day Off (COMMANDO)

A Little Lacking

People often refer to us Youths as apathetic, and we like to just throw that comment back to Singaporean society as largely apathetic too.

And I say this, because today as I was heading home after an event in school, there was a blind man who was walking on the road, having difficulty maneuvering between plastic cones on the road and the high curb on his right. While he was doing this, a motorcyclist had just finished parking his bike and was just casually looking at the man.

What would you have done?

Would you have watched from afar, hoping for the best? Or would you run over and help him?

I actually did went over to help him, guide him back on the curb and let him know of incoming traffic, and chat a little with him. This is actually my first time chatting with a visually-impaired person, and one of the few times I readily went to help a stranger.

On a personal level, this is quite an achievement, because I went from passive onlooker, to an active participant to help a stranger. And I feel this conundrum is something everyone experiences everyday. From young, we are told that as long as its not your business, stay out of it. And then along comes Civics and Moral Education and tells us to help people in need etc. And from personal experience, this dilemma stays and affects you everyday. See the old lady boarding the bus? You feel like giving your seat, but decide not to do it because you feel weird doing so? That is the "little lacking" I'm referring to.

The mind is willing, but the body isn't.

a possible scenario when faced with such dilemmas

Demon's Souls. That's all I have to say. Shall try to update more if I have the time and motivation.

trapped rut stuck

it is now the march holidays, 6 weeks away from polytechnic school life. yet, almost everyday i return and stress myself over a competition i signed up for. the dwindling prizes and awards of the competition no longer attract me, and the potential intangible benefits seem to have disappeared.

my team of 4 comprises of the top student in the other cohort, and the first and second scorer in my class and cohort for last semester in terms of results, with me as the third scorer. an elite team? maybe. an elite performance? not really.

top student is going on an overseas community service trip as leader, so is busy with all the preparations and stuff. leader of the team is second scorer, and he appears to be busy with his own life. leaving me and first to shoulder most of the thinking and research.

i'm running out of time, competition presentation is at the end of the month and this coming week, i'll be too packed with prior engagements i can't walk away from. this Sunday, top student is flying off for the service trip, and won't be back till last week of holidays. tried to call for group meetings whenever possible, but more or less turns out to be a duo meeting between first and me. between the two of us, we are fatigued and devoid of ideas and directions. team leader is repeatedly apologetic about being unable to show up or do much.

i really feel trapped, stuck in a metaphorical rut and unable to move. and i don't want to lose this, and especially lose against the other team from my school. especially not when we are the 'elite' team.

the hurry men

Quick update: less then two weeks to my enlistment.

So factually speaking, I have less then two weeks til A level results are out because once you enter NS, you don't have time to think until results day.

Right now I'm compiling my profile and portfolio for submission to the various schools after my results are out. Am seriously praying for un-catastrophic results. Aiming to land myself a local scholarship so I won't have to worry about taking study loans or eating up my parents' CPF.

It's all in the day's work of being an 18 year old in Singapore.

"Hard Truths to keep Singapore going"

Just bought the much anticipated book by Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew and since last night, I've finished the first 2 chapters. It's a very different book compared to his previous memoirs. Here, a group of journalist pose questions to Lee and he answers them. The book is in a question and anser format of the various questions and it is virtually unpara-phrase.

The stark message the reader first notices when one reads the book is the apparent obvious that this book was written primarily to engage the younger generation of Singaporeans. I wouldn't go as far as to call it a political tool, but certainly the style of writing and the questions engage does point to the direction of educating the ignorant young people of us, Singapore.

The first 2 chapters were engaging and certainly an interesting read for a political follower like myself. Revelations would also be an appropriate word. Anyhow, I shall aim to finish it in the next week or so.

So far, I'd say this is a must read for the younger generation of Singaporeans. Whether or not you agree with Uncle Harry, it is still nevertheless a good book to pick up. The language that Mr Lee uses to answer the questions, defend his points and shape his rebuttals are also of interest for an ex-GP student like myself.

Shall rate it when I'm done. But for now, hard truths will be my book for the next 7 days.

Tofu here

Garden Song

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
All it takes is a rake and a hoe
And a piece of fertile ground

Inch by inch, row by row
Someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Till the rain comes tumblin down

Pulling weeds and pickin stones
Man is made of dreams and bones
Feel the need to grow my own
Cause the time is close at hand

Rainful rain, sun and rain
Find my way in natures chain
Tune my body and my brain
To the music from the land

Plant your rows straight and long
Temper them with prayer and song
Mother Earth will make you strong
If you give her love and care

Old crow watchin hungrily
From his perch in yonder tree
In my garden Im as free
As that feathered thief up there

Kinda sums up what life about. Philosophical, but ultimately apt.

What's being a man going to be like?

I'm getting old enough to wonder, but happy that I'm still too young to care.

Rollercoaster ride

Very tumultuous time in my life. Coming to terms with the fact that I'm not much more than the childish, unlikeable slowpoke I was 2 years ago and that people around me are moving on. I've been trying to ignore this for what seems like forever, but I'm simply not stupid enough to keep it up any longer.

I've lost some friends lately, and the most damning thing I've learned is that I'm worthless to the people around me, in every way. The people that still talk to me do so out of kindness and pity. I've actually been desperate enough to ask them about it. And they deny it all, but there's this very very powerful dread and intuition that yes, this is the dead end. I've lost everyone. I've had so many chances and I blew every one.

My daily life is a rollercoaster. My mood goes up and down sharply. Bursting with hope one moment, then the next minute its all crushed and I can't see the meaning in life. My stomach constantly feels knotted together. I'm having anxiety attacks on the hour. I'm fucking whining about something on the hour every hour. Yeah, I'm desperate now. I can't think straight anymore and I'm afraid my logical reasoning is going. Every single bad thing about me is getting worse and exaggerating itself. Nosedive. Freefall. Inevitable. I want to hit the ground. I want it to end so badly I've begun distancing myself from what few friends I've left. It's like drinking salty seawater to alleviate looming dehydration. Dread is my entire life now; I can't think about anything else.

Independence

Well, things aren't really going well.

My parents decided the time has come for me to be financially independent. Surviving on what little I have left of my savings from the months before. January thus far has been an expensive month. With renovations on going at home, I am expected to buy my new furniture for my room (necessities). That will cost a bit. And I've been going out very often with my girlfriend. I don't really want to tell her I'm really strapped for cash now because I promised her that January will be my month with her. And I seriously feel bad that she sometimes insists on footing the bills. I'm just kinda disappointed with myself somewhat. For not having the tight financial control I used to have. On top of that I promised my waterpolo team I will join them for a cruise. Aiyeesh.

Social calls are still kinda necessary in a way before my enlistment. But really I guess this is a taste of what really growing up is about. Looking at a loan from my dad to try to keep my house affairs in order at least for the next month or so.

This really is a whole different ball game...