Rollercoaster ride

Very tumultuous time in my life. Coming to terms with the fact that I'm not much more than the childish, unlikeable slowpoke I was 2 years ago and that people around me are moving on. I've been trying to ignore this for what seems like forever, but I'm simply not stupid enough to keep it up any longer.

I've lost some friends lately, and the most damning thing I've learned is that I'm worthless to the people around me, in every way. The people that still talk to me do so out of kindness and pity. I've actually been desperate enough to ask them about it. And they deny it all, but there's this very very powerful dread and intuition that yes, this is the dead end. I've lost everyone. I've had so many chances and I blew every one.

My daily life is a rollercoaster. My mood goes up and down sharply. Bursting with hope one moment, then the next minute its all crushed and I can't see the meaning in life. My stomach constantly feels knotted together. I'm having anxiety attacks on the hour. I'm fucking whining about something on the hour every hour. Yeah, I'm desperate now. I can't think straight anymore and I'm afraid my logical reasoning is going. Every single bad thing about me is getting worse and exaggerating itself. Nosedive. Freefall. Inevitable. I want to hit the ground. I want it to end so badly I've begun distancing myself from what few friends I've left. It's like drinking salty seawater to alleviate looming dehydration. Dread is my entire life now; I can't think about anything else.