Black Holes and Lucid Dreams

2 parts to the following post: first is emo, second bit is about lucid dreaming.

I don't have my own blog, so I feel compelled to dump here.

Things move fast eh? On Friday I went to school to study. I was hoping to get some pictures of the Sec 4 classrooms and desks before leaving forever. I was dismayed when I found that the classrooms were all clean. Our little post-it notes and blu-tacked pictures had all been removed. All classes. In 4/6 there was a picture of a Sec 3 class. Except those Sec 3s are Sec 4s now, and we Sec 4s are nowhere. I sat in 4/6 (I have a fondness for teacher's tables) for a while, trying to study F&N. But alas, it was time to lock up the classrooms and I went downstairs to sit at the place Mikana used to sit at, and watched Mr Leong give rousing speeches to people I couldn't recognize at all. One day we won't recognize the younger generation at all. We'll be like our parents, misunderstanding our children completely then having to bow out and watch from afar as our kids enter puberty and live a separate life. That is if we have children at all.

Compared to my primary school, my secondary school has been very decent. It's nice that I can worry about who's my friend instead of who's my enemy. And my parents have steadily been giving up on trying to make any sort of impact in my life. It's kind of sad, but I have space. What do I do with that space? Honestly I haven't been doing much. It's a carryover trait from the primary school days, when I would jump at the chance to forget how miserable I was by spamming computer games. But the space is never quite filled.

Last week I went for the 24-hour playwriting competition prize presentation. But it appears that I really did get lucky the first time (first-place script was indeed deserving of 700 bucks). Nope, no runner-up or merit prizes for me either. There's this BBC Radio Playwriting Competition. I have to finish a radio play by March. Very prestigious. And I have a ticket into DPA. A machinima project in the works. I have a lot of half-completed, half-realized ideas. But it's all space if I don't do anything about it.


Mikana being friendly to me created a lot of complications. Becomes difficult to classify. Just eye candy, or treat as someone I know? I tried to stop all the nonsense, but when I did, I noticed that my porn folder just grew bigger (the porn also ventured into more extreme regions). I tried to do both and it really epic failed. There's this space here that has to be filled. But you know what? I'm not amoral (contrary to what I thought earlier). I just have morals and views that aren't socially accepted. So I'm not going to the prom (it's a failprom anyway), not even to see Mikana. I figure porn is better.

2/7 'o6. It's funny how those first two years were pretty fucking rocky, yet it was the best class ever, ever ever. Monday/Tuesday I'm going back to the classrooms and try to take pictures of the desk graffiti.

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After I wrote my last post (the one about hentai lovers bizarrely rushing to defend the honour of rape victims), I went to sleep.

It was 4.30. Very very late indeed.

I sneezed a bit, took a few bouts of sleep paralysis, and then, ladies and gentlemen, I began to become properly aware I was dreaming. While in the dream itself.

It's not easy to hold together the fabric of the dream itself after that. Naturally when you come back to yourself, you automatically try to get a feel for your limbs, get a feel for everything, like OMG AM I BREATHING? WHERE ARE MY LEGS? And the dream kind of falls apart after that.

But this time, I guess my automatic responses were dulled (I was VERY sleepy). So somehow, I "woke up" in my dream and attained lucidity, by simply not thinking about where my legs were too much, and focussed on keeping my mind and the dream together.

Some thoughts flew out of control, and one manifested itself into a laughing Joker (Heath Ledger style, though I've never seen Dark Knight) that was reallllly unnerving, since it felt out of my control. I concentrated and turned it into a laughing Batman. Lol. Then I continued to turn it into less and less scary laughing things.

Despite having looked at some *ahem* just a few hours before, I didn't encounter anything particularly erotic or massively fuxpro. I did manage to focus on Mikana and bring up a very clear picture of her face, but for some reason didn't or couldn't go further to try and recreate her personality, her body, etc. Within the dream I COULD consult my memories to verify.

The default "template" for the dreamscape seemed to be dusty black, reminiscent of a black chalkboard. After a while I began to lose my grip on reality, and let my imagination take the wheel and throw me about aimlessly. I do however recall multiple instances where I was talking to someone and suddenly the lower half of my body floated up while my upper half remained locked in the air. And seeing the rest of my roomthrough half-lidded eyes (though this could also be imagination at work). Lololol.

Oh yeah, and there was one where one of the girls from our school (whom I know distantly) served me food and stuff. It was like a valentine's day present or something (LOL WTF), and JC was there too, which made it funny for reasons I can't remember. Not part of the lucid dream (as I believed what was happening) but lol nonetheless.

Hopefully I can recreate this again and reattain lucidity in at least some of my dreams. So far, my awareness of the dream and the capabilities of my imagination don't seem to mesh very well. I've heard of people gaining such control over their dreamscapes that they become a god in their world and can pull all sorts of crap for their own amusement. Some actually practise real-life stuff in there, like shooting hoops and riding bikes. And of course epic sexual fantasies.