Closure

I write this now, as a form of tribute, as a form of closure, as an archive of my memories, and as an expression of my thoughts.

This Sunday my maternal grandfather passed away, after the tuberculosis virus ravaged his health, and robbed him away from us.

I was present at the hospital ward, and witnessed the deteriorating condition firsthand, so I can say I was prepared to expect the worst.

My relationship with my maternal grandfather was never as close as would be ideal. In fact, it could be said that my relationship with my maternal relations were never as close as my relationship with my paternal ones. Perhaps it was the language barrier, perhaps it was the "culture", perhaps it was the people.

What I really regretted, was what happened earlier this year. We celebrated his 76th birthday in May, and I could tell my uncles and aunts put in a lot of effort into it. Yet, at the apex of any birthday celebration, when the cake was presented and we were all called to gather to sing the happy birthday song and take a photo, nobody made a move. My grandfather was sitting behind the cake, with my youngest cousin on his lap and my grandmother not far from him. The adults were calling and cajoling us 'kids' to go and "get in position". Nobody moved. We were just waiting for each other to make the first move.

At that point, I could sense the entire mood of the evening plummet, and my grandfather was sitting there insisting that its alright. That there is no need to go through all this trouble. Little were we to expect, a mere 2 months later, that would be the last time we would ever get to celebrate it with him.

I am filled with regret, that we, I, didn't cherish it. That we took it for granted. That that was the last time I saw him before this Sunday.

In closing, I want to pay tribute to him.

My maternal grandfather, now late, was a simple man. He ate simply, and dressed simply.

He never sought to create trouble for anybody, and avoided anything he felt would trouble anyone.

He was born in Malaysia, but settled down here, and married my grandmother.

He worked, to support my mother, and her siblings, working menial jobs all his life, until retirement in his 70s.

On normal Sunday evenings, when my family would occasionally go out to have dinner, he would always reject coming along when asked. Even to dinner functions, near or far, he chose to stay home. Always.

The extent he went to reassure everyone, to not let anyone worry about him, was noble.

It is unfortunate, from what I overheard from my relatives, that this quality in him may have indirectly lead to this state of affairs. That he refused to seek further treatment, and kept reassuring everyone he was getting better, that he was recovering.

His sacrifice for his family, his concern, his independence, and his humility and his simplicity.

These qualities I will forever remember him by.

Mister Right

Digging through a treasure trove of items, photos, playlists and memories of my secondary school days (especially the lower sec ones). Oh how things were so chaotic and yet so under control back then..

I guess things have changed over the years, I've changed. I've become much less idealistic and much more pragmatic. But I realised my ideas and philosophy have not really been shaped much by the times that heat people like clay. Instead, I've been much more dogmatic about certain things..

Now life feels different. I feel I'm less subjected to the forces around me that swirl ever so violently. Yet paradoxically, I feel more impotent now more then ever to influence my surroundings. I guess it's one of the things I appreciate on hindsight about secondary school. When things were oh so chaotic (especially in my lower sec days) but yet at the same time oh so controllable at my finger tips. But I guess I am merely just growing into my place as a member of this society I live in and a citizen in this global village.

Still pursuing my endeavours fervently, and I wonder what my book will say (on hindsight) about my days in NS.

Best of Web Fiction: INSTRUCTION FOR A HELP

Cropped for spoilers. Check out the date, though.

Instruction for a Help is a series of howto guides that are written in spectacularly mangled English that suggests some sort of a translator. Take this advice in Instruction for a Fruit: "Take a bad water and make a good water. A fruit loves a water twice a day." The language, and the articles' apparently insane notions ("The eyes of a fruit close and a tear comes") are written by Zack Parsons, for comedy website Something Awful. But soon the bizarrely humourous become bizarrely disturbing, and it becomes obvious that comedy is not the main thrust of the series.

 The readers of the "instructions" mostly call for people to love and respect nature, and to report to "THE CENTER" to be "diagoloised" and assessed for what we can safely assume to be reproductive activity, or as they call it, "formulating a babie"(lol). Having trouble with your "babie"? No problem, just ring for your neighbourhood friendly red worm. He is your friend, and will protect you from the mans from below, which incidentally, if you see him, you should open up his skin and "take out ALL his fluids".

This world where man and nature live harmoniously by all accounts, is flavoured with strange distorted images, becoming fragmented and broken as the series hits its climax, when the mythical "mans from below" threaten the status quo.

It ends rather ambiguously, but is tied strongly to a companion narrative, also written by the same author, called "The View From Below", which despite spoiling the mystery surrounding Instruction for a Help, The View from Below is what I would argue is the "meat" of the the actual story. The View from Below is an arguably even better story, this time with proper English and a much more straightforward narrative with the same setting. The setting of it, political aspects and all, are well-realized and believable; the plot twists and turns past an easy ending into an epilogue that is one of the more intriguing endings I've seen in Fantasy/SciFi.

It is quite long, but segmented into convenient chunks and is unusually well-written and original for internet fiction.

>>>READ IT HERE <<<<

Understanding thyself (and new age learning pedagogies)

I am an: ENTJ (extraversion, intuition, thinking, judgment)

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshal and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans reality is a common theme for NJ types.

ENTJs focus on the most efficient and organized means of performing a task. This quality, along with their goal orientation, often makes ENTJs superior leaders, both realistic and visionary in implementing a long-term plan. ENTJs tend to be fiercely independent in their decision making, having a strong will that insulates them against external influence. Generally highly competent, ENTJs analyze and structure the world around them in a logical and rational way. Due to this straightforward way of thinking, ENTJs tend to have the greatest difficulty of all the types in applying subjective considerations and emotional values into the decision-making process.

ENTJs often excel in business and other areas that require systems analysis, original thinking, and an economically savvy mind. They are dynamic and pragmatic problem solvers. They tend to have a high degree of confidence in their own abilities, making them assertive and outspoken. In their dealings with others, they are generally outgoing, charismatic, fair-minded, and unaffected by conflict or criticism. However, these qualities can make ENTJs appear arrogant, insensitive, and confrontational. They can overwhelm others with their energy, intelligence, and desire to order the world according to their own vision. As a result, they may seem intimidating, hasty, and controlling.

ENTJs tend to cultivate their personal power. They often end up taking charge of a situation that seems (to their mind, at least) to be out of control, or that can otherwise be improved upon and strengthened. They strive to learn new things, which helps them become resourceful problem-solvers. However, since ENTJs rely on provable facts, they may find subjective issues pointless. ENTJs appear to take a tough approach to emotional or personal issues, and so can be viewed as aloof and cold-hearted. In situations requiring feeling and value judgments, ENTJs are well served to seek the advice of a trusted Feeling type.

Good to know. :)
and I'm back to my obsession with personal mastery

TOFU out

cry-sis

Been having a bit of trouble with my girlfriend lately...

alla damned. Sometimes I wish I was still swinging single.

The Moral Dilemma

So the stronghold of the GRC system was finally broken yesterday by the "star team" of the workers' party. I'm genuinely glad we now have a handful of opposition members in parliment. Honestly the number now is just nice for our government to be effective and yet maintain duality on the ground.

I have many thoughts on this election but I'll use Aljunied here.

I find it a pity that George Yeo, a mild and an extremely nice guy (mum had exchanges with him when George was a BG in the SAF), had to be the fall guy for the PAPs short comings. I very much rather a joker like Wong Kan Seng, Mah Bow Tan or Khaw Boon Wah go. But then again, no minister is indispensable. It just so happen George Yeo was in the firing sights of change.

The issue is apparent. Poor Singaporeans are suffering too much. In economics we learn that the purpose of the government is to intervene to ensure the "welfare" and the economic objectives of the people are met. This government has made policies which have allowed far too many poor people to fall through the nets of safety that current schemes provide for for the poor. The ruling government has shown in the past 5 years that they have been clearly out of touch with the working class. Living high and mighty up there like a club that is the PAP.

A friend recounted an incident that happened to him a few months back that made him question the moral authority of the current government to govern. His grandmother was hospitalised for 2 weeks. The bill came out to be over $10000 despite no special treatment being administered or whatsoever. When the grandmother was discharged, she had to take a lot of medicines to help recover fully. However, the family could not afford the many different disgustingly expensive medicines that the doctor prescribed. The doctor then presented to the family members the list of medicines that were deemed "not as important" and asked them which one they didn't want. My friend and his family were shocked. Under the current scheme, a person has to sell all his assests and be completely 100% unable to help himself (i.e. with his house sold etc) before the government will step in to save your life.

I'm not asking for a welfare state, we all know that will lead to disaster and rob the pockets of our children and grandchildren. But for a healthcare system to degenerate to such a level is just vehemently disgusting. It reminds me of Michael Moore's Sicko show that I watched a few years back. I thought then that this will never happen to Singapore. but in the past 5 years, things have proven otherwise. Singapore only spent 1.6% of her GDP on healthcare last year. Something is clearly clearly wrong.

There are many more heart burning issues I have. But I'll keep it for next time.

I think more can be done to help the poor who fall through the safety nets. The cry has one forth and I can only pray the government open it's ears.

Don't get me wrong. I still think a PAP government is best for Singapore, but I feel that the government has been so out of touch with the working class and the poor folks that they need to lose a few constituencies to wake up and realise something is very wrong.

Idleness

My Passing Out Parade looms near, and with 4 weeks to go till then, I'll have to find ways to keep myself occupied. But what the hell am I supposed to do? 4 whole weeks of doing absolutely nothing is a huge waste of my time. The only thing I can do is read and exercise, but till what end? I grow bored of this routine life. Can't wait to POP and start doing something worthwhile. Will update you guys if I get into the vocation that I'm aiming for.

Yeah, getting that vocation is something like getting the Golden Ticket. Without all the chocolate of course.

On a brighter note, met up with Giant for a gym session at the local stadium and lunch at Macs. Been a while since we spoke to each other, so we had a nice time catching up. It's always fun to see how your friends are doing and all that shit. We should do it more often yeah.

Anyways, wrote this post just for the heck of it, since the Pebblefort's been more active of late. And to all the Romanian and Malaysian fellas visiting the site, I feel that a big thank you is in order. Don't know what you see in us though heh. Will try to write more interesting posts if I have the time and motivation, as per the norm I guess.

Till next time fellas.

Removing the cobwebs

14 April 0245 hours

I just realised today my old blog has vanished completely from the web that is called the internet. I used to blog on a platform known as the 'Windows Live Spaces' and after they made a conversion to WordPress, my blog got erased as well(?) Not sure if it's really gone for good but at least I can't recover it.

For one, I'm pretty sad. I have almost 2 years of archives inside my personal blog (which was locked for the past 2 years btw) dating from 06. The best and worst times of my secondary school life was chronicled as transparently as I could in there. And to have it gone now, never going to be able to re-read and 're-live' those times kinda makes me sad.

I believe there were many things inside which I chronicled that could be useful to me now. In fact, that was one of the main reasons I started the personal blog in the first place. I wanted an avenue for me to reflect and learn from my past. Kind of like writing my own history book. And to have it yanked from me like that is kinda hard to swallow to be honest.

Recently I've been struggling with certain cobwebs in my life. It involves a former lover, and I know I really shouldn't be entertaining such thoughts now that I'm attached, but I just can't let the case close without officially bringing it to an end (sounds real puzzling, believe me I'm quite confused right as I got to writing this part). The premature and abrupt full stop happened almost a year ago now. Still feel a proper conclusion is lacking and I really want to bury the port holes so I can carry on and live my life.

I sound real angst right now and that probably is because I am; here and now at this very moment - it's 0245 and I'm still friggin tossing and turning trying to sort out these old cobwebs in my head.

Forgive me if the beginning and ending of this post sounds incoherent. It actually links. But then again, such is the frame of my mind right now.

Carry On Many Missons And No Day Off (COMMANDO)

A Little Lacking

People often refer to us Youths as apathetic, and we like to just throw that comment back to Singaporean society as largely apathetic too.

And I say this, because today as I was heading home after an event in school, there was a blind man who was walking on the road, having difficulty maneuvering between plastic cones on the road and the high curb on his right. While he was doing this, a motorcyclist had just finished parking his bike and was just casually looking at the man.

What would you have done?

Would you have watched from afar, hoping for the best? Or would you run over and help him?

I actually did went over to help him, guide him back on the curb and let him know of incoming traffic, and chat a little with him. This is actually my first time chatting with a visually-impaired person, and one of the few times I readily went to help a stranger.

On a personal level, this is quite an achievement, because I went from passive onlooker, to an active participant to help a stranger. And I feel this conundrum is something everyone experiences everyday. From young, we are told that as long as its not your business, stay out of it. And then along comes Civics and Moral Education and tells us to help people in need etc. And from personal experience, this dilemma stays and affects you everyday. See the old lady boarding the bus? You feel like giving your seat, but decide not to do it because you feel weird doing so? That is the "little lacking" I'm referring to.

The mind is willing, but the body isn't.

a possible scenario when faced with such dilemmas