o level results lol

yes lol

Oh god, am I on a timer. I hit myself with sedatives (otherwise I'll probably make this post really long), and Bridge may not come through - if I had completed more refined drafts of it this probably wouldn't have happened. I had hoped that the drabness of my life and the absence of a motivating force would be things of the past after my O Levels. This has not been the case.

Not to say nothing has happened. There HAS been some progress on Bridge, and I did complete a video project. But that's just excuses, and let's talk about other stuff (dodged!).

Results today. Wasn't very excited to be honest. Was more worried about my social skills after two months of stagnation. Wish I had the courage to talk to JJ, but she and I don't talk much; in any case, if I advanced any friendships with the opposite sex right now, it'll probably just become a plug for a bigger problem, like Geia was.

I've probably already said this, but I went in expecting very mediocre scores. Frankly though, I didn't care much about the scores anymore. After DPA, my enthusiasm for learning things other people pressed into my face eroded very quickly. This is primarily why my revision was so lackluster - I did not have a strong purpose. All I had was a childish want to beat Mikana at studies and a little bit of peer/parental pressure.

I have DPA, born of my few talents, projects, and friends. Nothing academic. Even my testimonial had Zephy's Pistol Ninja in it, no joke. I'm done with bring told to tell the xylem from the phoelem when I don't want to. I got pretty good results anyway, despite studying little. I was expecting a C for my Science, got a glowing A1 instead. Bullshat the written F&N paper, A2. They said on the powerpoint slides I had five distinctions - five! The most I've ever gotten was three.

But alas. There were bad surprises as well. I had only 4 distinctions. Humanities was a dismal A2, and Literature even worse: B3. That was disappointing. It was also weird. Didn't know whether to jump for joy, or be very annoyed at myself. Does it mean I'm not a writer by nature? I got all these doubts.

Another reason why I haven't been revamping Bridge - I'm becoming pretty good at artistic critique (or so I think) and I don't want to have to see my own work objectively.

I've been slowly talking more to people on the GZF forums. Learning about their lives. Bits and pieces. Some people go there to rant. People who have socially-unacceptable romantic feelings, some guys who've had divorces in the family, joined real fight clubs, stayed in their rooms for months on end, got arrested. But it's all background occurences, cold newspaper headlines, until you really get into the rants and the raves. It's not about what happens. It's about how happy and terrible and destroyed they feel. And when I watch from this angle, or talk to people who are in a worse spot than me and I learn firsthand how they feel about their lives... I think I don't have the moral right to be lazy, and I don't have the moral right to complain and bitch. This is just me. I'm a selfish guy, so I won't presume to pass judgement on how much emowanking the rest of you should do.

In a few days I'll be in a 3D2N camp. The notification and details came the say day as the O Level results. It's chocked with probably useless team activities and group hippie crap, but I'll see what I can squeeze out of it.

I dedicate this poast to Vonterul! Internets ftw