23 January (fuckfuckfuck)

An activity in psychology class called for us to write down three defining characteristics about ourselves on a slip of paper - two of them real, and one of them fake. These unsigned pieces of paper would then be passed around the psychology students, and guesses would be made.

This was my slip of paper:

1. I have been a perpetrator of sexual abuse on more than one occasion.
2. I have seriously considered a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex.
3. I have no real female friends.

Then when it was time to clarify identities, I was told that I had to read it aloud. To everyone present. And confirm that the third characteristic was the false one.

The girl I lunched with on Wednesday (thus far, best friend in poly) says she doesn't give a damn, but damn... was that a cockup.

Once again, I was too honest without thinking. Like in India, where I refused to apologize because of my staunch belief that apologies are hollow. Back there, I could explain away my iron grip on my idealistic drive as a response to having all things familiar and comfortable being thrown out of the window, but here... it was just careless. Real fucking careless. Now to the rest of the group, I'm either a former sex offender or an attention-seeking liar. Good job Nose, all the DPA Film students were in there.

During the module after lunch, I fell prey to my Neville Chamberlain side again, as in stubbornly idealistic. For group work in secondary school, when I want to do well, I usually attempt to solo the entire thing and leave most group members out of the loop (usually, most of them are content to let you handle it all for them). Although it means more work for me, it raises the quality of end result, as most former schoolmates were dumbasses.

Polytechnic DPA students are NOT secondary school turds. When we went up for presentation, I had already prepared a separate speech for myself to run outside of the others'; I certainly thought it would help overshadow the flaws I saw in their interpretation of the discussion topic. I cut into my own group's presentation and set off into a long winded, unfinished stutter that cost us dearly. The stuff I said WAS relevant (though since it was unfinished, it made me look fucking stupid and egotistic), but unneccessary and self-serving.

Two problems: Too focused on personal agenda (that is, to pour my heart and views out to people at every opportunity), and didn't trust my group enough to work with them. My group scored lowest for that presentation, and you can bet I didn't dare to look one of my group members in the eye when he reminded me to work more cohesively in future. The DPA film students now ALL have a distressingly accurate impression of me. Also, I STILL can't find much to say to team five except terribad sex-related jokes and repeated phrases. Bad day all around.

Today there was no school, so I invited Lime and Zeda over. Lime couldn't make it, turning the afternoon into a boring one. To make matters worse, team five went off on an excursion on their own with Glenn and I wasn't contacted. No matter if it's because I didn't give out my handphone number to more than two people, or because I've already been established as a sexually dangerous fucking weirdo who fucks up his own group mates so he can get more attention (LOOK AT ME I'M GAY AND I MOLESTED SOMEONE SEVERAL TIMES, SO SPECIAL RIGHT), I still had to lie to Glenn that my parents forced me to stay at home.

I have a feeling he would otherwise have taken steps to include me out of obligation and pity, or worse - he won't. I wasn't there to support him for his big performance while everyone else was, after all. I think this may be the point where I've forfeited more or less all possibility of getting any more friends in DPA.


fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccck