So dizzy (Teachers, 2/7, Mikana, and Hugs)

Just played a little Synergy. It's Half-Life 2 with other people on the internet passing the missions with you. This time I was playing Episode Two with about 8 others. Only faraway, distance-laggy servers were available, so when I got on, I couldn't drive properly. So I sat in the back of this van while other people rammed zombies with it. Unfortunately they were either laggy as well, or just shitty drivers. So not long after a lot of crashing and bumping and jarring halts from a high-speed turbo acceleration, I got motion sickness and had to quit. Argh.

Also a bit dizzy from the day's events. Thought graduation day would be a simple ceremony with halfassed performances or something, but I guess not. They suddenly asked me to do a speech and I did it quite okay, in my gay opinion. Mentioned that it's not just students who learn new things in school. I always wondered what the teaching society was like. Wondered if they had their own cliques and their own little spats and grudges against each other. There's another entire society so close to us, just beyond the classroom, and although some staff try to breach that wall to try to reach us, not so many of us attempt to comprehend our instructors as equals.

I don't know if its fear of authority that drives us to categorize our superiors as uberhumans who do jobs and magically disappear when the day is done, or more of simple ignorance. When moderating GZF many patrons seem to be surprised and outraged at how readily I chip in an honest view and take sides, and generally act like a regular member at times. I once received some advice from a professional author to be more inquisitive and ask all the questions that people never usually think about.

Still feeling nauseous. Urrrrrrrrrr

I owe this fascination with teacher life to a time in primary school when I overheard two teachers gossiping about how some student make a joke about a bra. They sounded like us. So I see a severely overweight teacher and I wonder if we are somehow her substitute for her never-to-be fulfilled desire to marry and have kids. I hear about teachers who had big dreams and somehow landed here, and if they push us so hard because they see their young, ambitious selves in us. Or if they're failures at life and the only lights for them are our successes. It's not the possibilities that is the point here, it's more of the big void that we don't know about our teachers, the sides of themselves they don't show to us, the lives they live separately.
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List of other things on my mind:
2/7
Mikana
Hugs


2/7:
Going to miss 'em. Today could be the last day we gather at that table we always ate at. I remember we used to go to the fitness corner every morning. Or the canteen. (I wonder where teachers go.) Wonder if I can keep in touch with people I remember from Secondary School. Eventually we'll grow further and further apart and one day at our workplace something will happen to remind us of what we did back here and we'll feel bad, really really terrible because by then we won't know each other anymore, and we can't nudge each other and ask if we still remember that time we threw JT into a dumpster. Oh man. We'll be miles apart, live apart, die apart. It's really sad if you think about it.
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Mikana:
I'll miss her. Yes. It sucks to admit it. Back in lower sec I was always trying to resist glancing. It's quite enigmatic what she is to me. I don't even know how significantly Mikana as a person, a real person, not her looks, matters to me.

She's above the level of porn (959 MB versus 40MB), yet I know she's only this noticeable because of her looks. I don't know her all that well to fall in love with her personality. She's been kind to Colonel Eggs, and been kind to me as well, but it's just not enough to hold up on its own.

Then there's the fact that she doesn't seem to be a normal crush. For someone else, I remember, I was quite smitten with until she changed her hairstyle; then it was like I hit a brick wall. Not so for Mikana. Did I mention she's endured for three years now?

Other possibilities include that it's simply an intense preference for petite figures, or maybe she's symbolic of one of my goals in life (make a wild guess). The explanation I find most convincing is that she satisfies an innate need in me to be normal and assuages my fear that I can't love anyone (sometimes I wonder if I EVER loved my parents).

Then there's a bigger fear, that what I am feeling for Mikana IS love, which would mean that love really has appearances and sex appeal as a factor. That wouldn't just suck; it would be the mother of all childhood destroyers. I want love to be pure simple appreciation of the inner cores of people.

Can't believe I'm coming out with these things. But I guess there's no compelling reason to hide.
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Hugs:
Today TOFU raised the question of how much we hugged our parents, and if we regretted not hugging them more. Well, no, he didn't ask that, but that's what I wondered.

People I've hugged include someone that probably was friends with me because she felt sorry for me, my mother (long time since last time I RETURNED a hug), my father (even further back), and I believe a few playful hugs don't count. Ms Z might have hugged me once. That's it.

Suddenly, I see the allure of people walking around Orchard Road giving out free hugs. At night sometime I ponder if during my lifetime I'll ever get to kiss anyone or be kissed. Extrapolating on hug probability makes me feel a lot, lot, worse, and I just realised that my fantasies have changed since primary school. Let's just say that they used to be a lot more sex-oriented.
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