21 September 2008

Bad results: Science and Maths. Bad. And tomorrow I have Chinese B O Levels. Veri bad.

TF2 upload delayed further to TOMORROW


This post used to be a Shakugan no Shana review. But I think it's bad food for thought after all, so:

Here's the scoop on Nose:

Biting off too much on GZF - Returning to moderator duties was a BAD idea. There's some dumbass over there who's having an epically long quote war with the mod team. He thinks that posting a game featuring the intense torture and rape of a nude girl is worse than making a gay joke. I really don't know what to do, so I banned him for a day. It's only a temp solution.


Friday I stayed back at school till 9 to chiong maths. Productive.

Not so diligent today and yesterday, where I majorly put off studying for Chinese B O level. Addiction to comp again... Damn.

So I couldn't get myself off GZF just now, and you know what? The reason I went back is because I'm just that fucking insecure. More insecure than lonely. I need not only need to go back and reassert my banstick power, I also want to go back and interact with people that recognize me.

God fucking damn it.

Also, I have no idea what to do with someone I've been talking to. It's a friend, but I never know what to do really when people share their problems with me. It's just so insurmountable. I want to reassure them I'll be there for them, but when you're talking to a member of the opposite sex it's just awkward to say things like that. I hate that. I really hate how gender interferes in my friendships. I'd hate for shit to turn out like the crap with Geia.

At night I tell myself Geia was a mistake all along, but the truth is that she wasn't the real mistake. Because I was lonely, I began to use her gender to fill up that hole, and look where we are now - miles apart! Miles apart. I tell myself that she was stupid, and yes she was, but I was stupider.

All because of this fucking hole in me. Sometimes I wish I was aesexual and could be content with just having fulfilling friendships. The issue is sometimes so haunting, I can't work. I ask, What's the point? I'm so scared of spending my entire life working, writing, trying, spinning and reading stories about people who are happier than me while I rot away and disappear. It's a chilling thought.


I want children. I definitely want children (cue paedophile accusations). But will I be any different from parents who have children just to fit into society? Just to have someone to take care of them when they die? Parents who conceive for a practical reason?

...

How will I support a child with a writer's salary in the middle of Peak Oil?


Man, nightmares tonight.




Oh, and I almost asked someone to the prom.